I’ve always felt strongly advocating for mental health but this year and for the rest of my life, I have a personal stake in this.
Every 40 seconds someone dies by the hands of suicide but every 41 seconds someone else is left to make sense of it. Because in Suicide, more than one soul dies.
On October 7th 2018, My soul died.
My soulmate, the love of my life, the man I thought I was going to marry, took his life.
He wasn’t depressed. He wasn’t sad. He had a moment where he felt weak, when the weight of the world felt too much. And that moment will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I always thought, in our relationship, it was me who felt like that. I was the one on anti-depressants. I was the one who had a history of self-harm. I was the one who had locked myself in a bathroom in 2013 and thought how good it would feel to take that bottle of pills and never wake up. That was me. It was never him.
I never saw this coming. I never knew that the last conversation I would ever have with my lover would be about the UFC fight that night.
I never knew the last kiss and the last ‘I love you’ would have to last me for forever, because if I did, I would have done things differently. I would have held him closer, I would have kissed him longer, I would have made sure he could feel the love I had for him when I told him. If I knew, I would have cherished every moment I had left with him.
I never imagined, at twenty-seven years old, I would be burying my husband before we had even married. I never imagined that I would have to use CPR on my soulmate while I screamed for the Ambulance to come quicker. I never imagined it would be me who paramedics were peeling off a spouse’s body. I never imagined I would have to tell our son that Dada wasn’t coming home.
I would have never imagined that my life would change so much in 33 fucking minutes.
I never, in my worst nightmares, imagined this would be me.
But it is.
This year, I’m asking all of my friends to spread awareness about depression, mental health and suicide. Because finding your spouse, your brother, your sister, mother, father or any other person after is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I’m asking that everyone who feels like they can’t take the weight of the world to seek help. You are not weak for looking for help and there is nothing wrong with you. You are strong beyond belief and seeking help isn’t a surrender to the demons, it’s rising above them.
I know first hand what it is like to feel depressed and what it is like to lose someone.
I have seen both sides.
So trust me when I tell you that my door is always, always open. I will always listen and I will always help you get the help you need.
Distress Centre: 24 Hour Crisis Line - (403)266-HELP or 1-800- SUICIDE For those who have lost someone, or have suicidal thoughts. For Access to free counselling for individuals or families.
ConnecTeen 24 Hour Crisis Line - (403)264-TEEN
Support for teens. Peer Support offered 5-10pm online or over the phone.