To all my New Mom friends or moms to be. I’ve ever so thoughtfully complied a list of things no one tells you about motherhood. To warn...wait no! To help ease you into your new role as ‘Mommy’.
1. You Don’t Know 'TIRED' Yet.
You’re pregnant. You’re swollen, your always hungry and your cranky as hell!
But more than that, you’re tired. You could probably sleep for the next month and wake up still tired. I get it. Its hard to sleep with that big awkward belly especially when you just want to sleep on your tummy. You are preaching to the choir! (Word of Advice: Invest in a Snoogle. Thank me later.) You feel like someone has zapped all your energy.
Sweetie, honestly, anyone who has had a baby remembers how tiring just being pregnant is.
You want someone to tell you that once you have that baby and your hormones have levelled out, sleep will once again be peaceful.
All the seasoned moms are laughing hysterically. Sleep is something we day dream about. We count down the hours to naptime. We sing songs in celebration of bedtime!
This is the truth!
Baby comes homes, and all the new mommy wants to do is sleep. Surprise! Oh, Did they not tell you? Baby needs to eat every three hours.
Yes, as I explained to my friendless best friend, that means even at night. Don’t worry though, your lovely bouncing baby will tell you exactly when they want to eat. You’ll awake from a deep slumber by the high pitch shriek of a tiny 7-lb person who will demand to be fed despite your eyes not being able to focus.
But what if my baby doesn’t wake up every three hours?
Oh my naive friend, this part sound crazy but if they don’t wake up,
You must wake them.
Feed them and put them back to bed.
Insane? I know, but just do it.
Every well-meaning (yet usually childless) adult giving unsolicited advice, will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, that might be true while they’re still new and sleep 90% of the day, if I were to follow that logic I’d get a 2 hour nap twice a day.
But I’d never have time to shower, eat, do laundry, clean the house or do any of the ‘normal’ things like grocery shop.
Sleep is a thing of the past. I long for the days before I was pregnant… when I’d work a long week and look forward to those 2 whole days where I could do nothing but lay in bed.
But things change! Now I work even longer hours, and the pay is absolutely terrible. But now I wake up each day to a smiling face, even if he was up half the night.
2. Privacy. HA!
When you go into labour, silently yet begrudgingly say 'good bye' to your privacy and your dignity because you will never see it again.
Do you think I'm joking? Seriously.
Three men shoved their hands into my vagina to see how my baby was doing.
I'm not kidding you.
Here's the thing: You're in labour, leaking amniotic fluid non-stop, your gown is open, exposing you to anyone and everyone in the room. Then some random doctor comes in to see how dilated you are. Snaps on the gloves and up your vagina they go.
But what if there is an issue? In my case, my son ran out of amniotic fluid and was laying on the umbilical cord. The room filled with people: doctors, residents students... ten people piled in my room to stare down at my vagina.
I swear to God, I cannot make this up.
From the moment you step foot in the delivery room all privacy and dignity is gone.
The delivery room is just the beginning.
Breasts? Oh...you mean the milk factory?
Yep, thats pretty much what every healthcare professional will come to think of them. Your breasts are no longer sexual, simply fast food joint for the tiny.
"Hold it like a cheeseburger and shove it in his mouth." One Nurse told me.
Quickly followed by, "Let me see."
The same nurse then showed me exactly how to 'hold it like a cheeseburger'; first on her knitted beanbag shaped like a boob and then on my own.
Awkward? Hell Yes.
It isn't just health care professionals either. You become so aloof from societies rules for boobies, that you will only see them as fuel for your baby. After awhile you'll be whipping them out anywhere and every where when your baby needs to eat.
It doesn't stop when they get bigger either. Keep dreaming, lady.
What are you gonna do with your kid when you're at the mall and you need to pee? Are you gonna let a toddler run around? No, they'll come with you and they'll stare because they're creepy like that.
Just say goodbye to your dignity and privacy before baby comes, it'll be easier.
3. Take Pictures, But Remember to Put the Phone Down.
This is the part that every mother will tell you: they grow so fast. They’re not lying.
Pregnancy can seem so slow, but once you have your baby time seems to fly by. I swear it was just a month ago that I was welcoming Luca home.
But it's not, it's been nearly seven.
We live in an age where we want to capture every moment, record every moment but it's just simply not possible.
If we live behind a screen thats all our kids will see when they look up at us, is that screen.
Did you know parents who are more 'tech savvy' tend to have kids that are less social and can suffer from developmental delays? Kids learn my mimicking, how can your child mimic the words you say if they can never see your lips move?
Don't be that mom at the part whos kid is screaming for their mom to look at them and they're too busy texting.
Be Present. Interact. Play.
4. Some Type of Bodily Fluid Will End Up on EVERYTHING You Love.
Okay, so lemme tell you a story about how I woke up to a pile of baby poop in my bed last week....
Actually, just go read my blog post here.
I can't bear tell this story again.
5. Don’t be afraid to take time for you.
Again, this is another blog post you can read here!
All in all, being a mother is one of the hardest jobs I will never be able to put on my resume.
I don't think someone should actively try to get pregnant unless they are ready to devote 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the rest of their lives to raising a little person. If you can't say that you're willing to give up every aspect of your life from friends to vacations, it isn't your time to have a baby.
Don't rush Motherhood. Live life, when it's your time, you'll know.